The saddest deaths in ‘Halloween,’ ranked

 

This post contains spoilers and graphic images from David Gordon Green’s 2018 sequel, “Halloween.”

Lock the doors and turn on all the lights, because Michael Myers is back with a vengeance.

“Halloween” slashed its way into theaters this weekend with an alternative sequel to John Carpenter’s 1978 classic, but director David Gordon Green has ratcheted the violence up to 10. This time around, Myers body count makes the five murders in the original look like a minor offense.

With (at least) 17 deaths in the film, it’s clear that seeing some characters kick the bucket is gonna hurt, while you’re pretty indifferent, or even pleased, at others. So, let’s figure out which death hurts the most – both physically and emotionally.

17. Dr. Sartain

OK, let’s be real, this guy got what was coming to him. Usually, I’d be pretty disturbed by someone’s head getting stomped on and smashed like a pumpkin, but Michael’s extremely suspicious prison doctor deserved it. It’s fitting the movie’s most gruesome death comes to its most despicable character. After becoming so obsessed with studying Michael in captivity, Sartain decided to murder Officer Hawkins (we’ll get to that), so he could observe Michael in the wild. How’d that plan turn out for ya, doc?

16. Oscar

What can I say? Shooters shoot. Oscar starts out as some solid comic relief and a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, but turns out to be trapped in the friend zone willing to risk it all to claw his way out. After Allyson (Andi Matichak) witnesses her boyfriend, Cameron (Dylan Arnold), cheat on her, Oscar sees his opening and tries to shoot the gap. Instead, his kiss just comes across as creepy and gross, leaving him alone in a backyard to become Michael’s next victim. As if the knife in the back wasn’t enough, ol’ buddy got a wrought iron fence through the face, too. Shout out to those motion sensor lights, though.

15. Bus Guard(s?)

It’s unclear how many security guards Michael had to kill during his escape from the transfer bus, but we know it was at least one. Can’t say I felt too attached to this guy, but after countless transfers gone wrong, I think it’s pretty obvious you don’t want to be the guard assigned to work a Michael Myers prison transfer.

14.Gas Station Clerk

These next two are pretty interchangeable, if I’m being honest. I’ll say the mechanic gets a little more sympathy just because the clerk was kind of a dick when Dana asked him about the loo.

13.Gas Station Mechanic

Again, just a poor fella in the wrong place at the wrong time. At least the mechanic looked like he just took a hammer to the head instead of having his jaw ripped apart. All around tough day to work at the gas station.

12. Reluctant Bánh Mì Cop

THAT’S WHAT YOU GET, YOU UNCULTURED SWINE! How could you sleep on bánh mì like that? Your buddy was just trying to broaden your horizons and familiarize you with traditional Vietnamese cuisine! While that’s a pretty punishable offense, I don’t quite know if it deserves being turned into a human jack-o’-lantern. Definitely one of the worst ways to go.

11. Hunting Dad

This guy broke the number one rule of horror movies – never investigate. He walked right into it, and therefore, deserved to bite the dust. Quick poll: How many of you would leave the safety of your vehicle, unarmed after stumbling upon a group of escaped asylum patients wandering the street? No one? Interesting. Thank you for your participation. Plus, this guy was kind of a shitty dad. Just let your son dance!

10. Phone Lady

Again, these next two are fairly interchangeable. This poor lady had just gotten a warning call that Michael was on the loose and she knew shit was about to pop off. You could tell she was ready, if only she’d had a few more minutes to prep. Instead, it was already too late and she got got.

9. Hammer Mom

Although we never get to see Hammer Mom’s face, she’s able to edge out Phone Lady just because she has a newborn baby, which made her death slightly sadder. Still, we haven’t really gotten into anything to heavy yet, so pretty much everyone is expendable at this point. Hammer Mom’s murder does give us an interesting look at Michael, though, as he approaches the crib, stares at the infant, then moves along. Apparently he draws the line at babies.

8. Dance Son

I really feel for this kid. He didn’t even want to be there, but his ignorant dad won’t let him pursue his true passion of dance. On top of that, he’s way smarter than his dad and at least takes a gun with him when he gets out of the car to investigate. Tbh, he should have just cut his losses, stayed in the car and driven his happy ass to dance class.

7. Bánh Mì Enthusiast Cop

All he wanted to do was eat his bánh mì sandwich in peace and share his love of Vietnamese culture, but no, Michael had to go and ruin that. These guys probably should have been a little bit more prepared when they approached a mysterious police car pulled over in the middle of the woods, but you know what? Hindsight’s 20/20. Should have had hindsight.

6. Aaron Korey aka Podcast Dude

As a proud podcast host myself, I can’t help but feel for my fellow audio journalists. However, Aaron Korey (Jefferson Hall) brought this upon himself. Who in their right mind would think it’s a good idea to confront Michael Myers and taunt him with his infamous mask? It’s safe to say that pretty much sealed his fate. Aaron did earn some hero points after trying to save his co-host with a crowbar, but ultimately, it wasn’t enough.

5. Dana Haines aka Podcast Lady

Unlike Aaron, who died trying to save the day, Dana Haines (Rhian Rees) was forced to suffer, being terrorized on the toilet. Not only was being suffocated and having her neck snapped extremely brutal, but the suspense of Michael’s approach was equally terrifying. Like, the whole teeth thing… that’s rough. Plus, she had to hear Aaron getting manhandled right outside the door while she waited for her turn.

4. Ray

While Ray seemed like a totally cool dad, he’s another victim of his own actions. When you’re under lockdown hiding from a sociopathic serial killer, it’s probably your best bet to stay behind locked doors. Instead, Ray decides to swing the front door wide open and invite Michael right inside for a nice murder spree. Do better, Ray.

3. Officer Hawkins

Will Patton’s Officer Hawkins is meant to be the same responding officer from the original babysitter murders back in the day, so he has a bit of a backstory to garner some sympathy. After witnessing the horrors firsthand, he seems to be the only one in all of Haddonfield, other than Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis), to realize what’s actually happening. It seems like he’ll be the one to save the day after he mows down Michael with his police cruiser, but instead, Dr. Sartain pulls a fast one on everybody and slices him up.

2. Dave

Every horror flick needs a funny stoner, but unfortunately their usually one of the first to go – and “Halloween” is no exception. In a nice callback to the original, Dave gets the classic knife-through-the-head-pinned-into-the-wall treatment from Michael after halfheartedly trying to save Vicky. May they rest in peace and find endless amounts of weed and dry humping in the afterlife.

1. Vicky

Sweet, sweet Vicky. The world’s coolest babysitter, taken far too soon. Once her and Dave started to get it on, it was only a matter of time. If only she’d listened to Julian (Jibrail Nantambu) when he first warned her about the boogeyman. She should have known better than to check the closet. It’s always the closet.

The good news is, nothing happened to Julian, the real MVP and breakout star of the movie. Long live Julian and his nasty-ass toe nails.