In honor of Drake’s new double album, “Scorpion,” releasing today, it’s time to take a look at all the great scorpions the world has to offer.
What is it that makes a scorpion top 10 material? Is it the power of its stinger, its loyalty or its sweet, sweet vocals? I’m here to help get to the bottom of which scorpion reigns supreme. (Hint: it’s not the Scorpion King)
10. The Scorpio zodiac sign
For those lucky few born between October 23 and November 21, we get to call ourselves Scorpios. This select group includes Drake himself, shoutout to OVO, so that gave it enough bonus points to sneak into the top ten. But, at the end of the day, horoscopes are still stupid descriptions that are just general enough to be applicable to anyone.
9. “Scorpia” by Anthony Horowitz
The fifth book in Horowitz’ children’s series about Alex Rider, a teenage spy working for the British government, “Scorpia” was the last good installment in the series. “Scorpia” may have won Children’s Book of the Year, but we could all tell Alex Rider was getting past his prime in this book, and it was all downhill from here.
8. Scorpion, the Marvel villain
Scorpion, also known as Mac Gargan, has been clashing with Spider-Man since 1965, so he’s got quite a few years of experience under his belt. Scorpion made his debut on the silver screen in last year’s “Spider-Man: Homecoming,” but went out sad when Spider-Man webs him to the back of the Staten Island Ferry after a weapons deal gone wrong. But it looks like he could get a shot at redemption as a part of the rumored Sinister Six in next summer’s “Spider-Man: Far From Home.”
7. Scorpius Malfoy
Unlike his total asshat of a dad, Scorpius Malfoy turns out to actually be a cool dude. Imagine living with the reputation of the Malfoy family, and then on top of that, throw in rumors that you’re Voldemort’s secret son… this kid had every reason to turn out a complete mess, but he didn’t! Scorpius Malfoy is the definition of a ride or die homie.
6. Dwayne The Rock Johnson as The Scorpion King
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Zach… this movie was a disaster. Yes, you’re right, but bear with me. Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s role as The Scorpion King in 2001’s “The Mummy Returns” was The Rock’s first foray into the world of film. This film and it’s eventual spin-off, “The Scorpion King,” changed movies forever. The Scorpion King jumpstarted The Rock’s ascension from a wrestling star to an international media mogul. Society owes everything DTRJ has done post-2001 to this god-awful role.
5. “Scorpion” by Drake
This may be the newest scorpion on the list, but that doesn’t mean it’s the best. Drake’s fifth studio album turned out to actually be a double album, featuring 12 hip-hop/rap songs, and 13 R&B songs. This album harkens back to Drake’s earlier sounds, leaning more towards a “Take Care”/”Nothing Was the Same” vibe instead of his more recent music. After one complete listen through, the number five spot seemed fitting, but after multiple reviews, it’s final destination is subject to change.
4. The thing in soccer when they kick it from behind their head aka the scorpion kick
Known in the soccer world as the scorpion kick, this is right up there with the bicycle for the most impressive kick in the sport. So many different elements come into play here – timing, flexibility, not to mention the power to get enough speed on the ball. I imagine this is like the soccer equivalent of throwing yourself an off the backboard alley-pop. All around A+ performance if you can execute this in a game. (Click here for a little bonus footage of the most famous scorpion kick ever)
3. Bear Grylls eating a scorpion
Now, we all know Bear Grylls loves eating disgusting things almost as much as he loves drinking his own piss, but a scorpion is some next level stuff. Just imagine how crunchy that thing is, I mean, it has a freaking exoskeleton. And for something that small with just 10 calories, sounds to me like dude’s just chomping on scorpions for shits and gigs. Bear missed out on a serious opportunity to rank in at number one if he’d left on the stinger.
2. The Indian Red Scorpion
Listed by National Geographic as the world’s deadliest scorpion, the Indian Red Scorpion packs a punch capable of killing a human if the sting is left untreated. Lucky for us, these little critters prefer to feast on insects like roaches. But don’t let this guy’s pinchers and stinger fool you, he’s really just a big softie and only stings as a last resort. Now, if he was a cold-blooded killer actively stinging shit, then he might have locked up the number one spot.
1. “Rock You Like a Hurricane” by The Scorpions
One of the most head-banging songs of all time, “Rock You Like a Hurricane” by The Scorpions comes in at number one. The iconic 1984 hit is featured in too many movies, TV shows and commercials to count, but most notably, was the best song to jam out to in Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. If you didn’t crank up the star power and lay on your whammy bar during the guitar solo, you weren’t really living.
While Drake’s “Scorpion” may have some of today’s hottest tracks on it, talk to me when one has the lasting impact like a hit from most iconic scorpion in the world: “Rock You Like a Hurricane” by THE Scorpions.
Zach Goins is a member of the North Carolina Film Critics Association based in Charlotte, N.C. Zach co-founded Inside The Film Room in 2018 and serves as Editor-in-Chief of the website and co-host of the podcast. Zach also serves as a film critic for CLTure.org.